As my writing out of my thinking progresses, I am coming up against the natural barrier of things I do not want to unpack on the blog. On one hand, this is a good thing because it informs me my blog is serving the function it used to serve back in the day. On the other, the urge to think things through in writing is now in full flow, like rapids frothing against the barely seen rocks in the water. Where do I take things from here, now, as I proceed to identify and establish the changes I am making – in real time – to my own internal navigation systems and sensory input focal length?
One of the allegations made against my blogging, long ago and far away but I still recall the moment clearly, was that I left things unsaid or conveyed a sense that there was more here being said, between the lines, than that which was actually articulated. Today, I feel as though there is a decision to be made. The conditions and context within which I write are jurisdictionally very different from that past era. There are risks I can take in writing things out now which I could not in actuality back then.
On the other hand, the commitments I am making to myself right now are such that I question whether the currently natural flow of my train of thought is one which I wish to pursue further, pushing me forward as it tends to do into the visualization – in words – of my imagination’s emerging future. Pondering over the past few days has revealed to me that the cognitive dissonance I was experiencing between my bodily knowing sense of having arrived ‘at home’ where my roots are naturally growing deep into the soil of this land, and, my long held internal decision to ‘live in liminality’ has been due to this very ability to envision and articulate that which is not yet manifested but is an extrapolation of currently perceived weak signals in a form likely to benefit the greatest good.
A complicated paragraph, that. But infusing me with the clarity I need at this moment in time. With clarity comes the ability to choose one’s focus, thus offering me the flexibility I need – deeply and inherently – rather than confining me with constraints of preset focal lengths. This, I fear, was the weakness in the previous such life journey exercise I underwent in San Francisco 15-16 years ago. When I embraced liminal space as my constant lived experience from which to orient myself and thus navigate from, it seems as though I might have set the focal length of my mind’s eye to far horizons and emerging futures without considering the need for change. That is, looking back from 2021, it seems the setting was not adjustable but hardwired for extrapolation in terms of time and its distance.
At that time, I had no reason to think I might ever need to evolve out of the ambiguity and uncertainty inherent in living a life of “dancing in between” – believing as I did that it offered me the most empowering and flexible platform for life. It has taken close to twenty years to come to recognize the invisible and intangible cost of a life lived in liminality in order to embrace what will be which is not yet (innovation). It imbues one with an indefinable sense of longing for that which might have been or might still be rather than offering one the ability to focus on building that which can become real. And, the distance ahead in terms of time and space means that the probabilities of the evolutionary trajectory are manifold and thus complicated by all the possibilities perceived simultaneously.
The very fact that a choice must be made is what gets lost in this kaleidoscope of futures seen in the mind’s eye, at any given point in time. Whereas, the laws of physics imply the need for adding a second prism to coalesce the rainbow back into a clear coherent beam of white light. It is this tweak which offers the clarity and focus the next phase of my life requires. The simple yet complex relationship of the two prisms acting in concert with each other in just the right position and orientation – not simply placed side by side – makes all the difference to seeing the horizon when calibrating one’s navigation systems. Together they bring back the clarity and focus whilst apart they still offer the many coloured possibilities of the now and its emerging future.